Soup Waiter

Peacock Humour

2011-10-22T01:03:00.003+02:00

Lepers

2011-09-06T00:26:00.002+02:00

Office Politics

2011-09-04T23:40:00.001+02:00

Imagine Barak Obama saying to Joe Biden "who the fuck is that guy we always meet in the lift that smells of cigarettes?" and Joe says "how the fuck should I know, I started the same day as you". Because we all know that's how they talk off camera. Joe says "who took the last fucking doughnut?" Barack says "The President of the USA, you got a problem with that?"

Later:

Joe: I am so going to nail that new intern

Barack: Have you got "UN Approval" for that?

Joe: I didn't ask

Barack: Good enough for me!

(Both do mock evil laughter and Darth Vader impressions)

Barack: Tell you what though, that Condoleeza Rice could turn me into a Republican

Joe: Sarah Palin does it for me

Barack: Are you kidding? She thinks cavemen lived with dinosaurs

Joe: She can think the Buddha came from Idaho, I don't give a crap I'm not marrying her

Barack: You a nasty ho Joe, Ima call you "ho-Joe" from now on

Joe: Ima call you Barack Ho, wait, that's your name iddn' it?

Barack: Ho-bama the slamma, aka Potusaaaaaa!

(President Of The USA, aaaaa!)

Joe: All Hail Potusa, Emperor of the Universe and slammer of hot chicks!

Barack: Hail me, is it lunch time yet? Can you advise me on the going out for chow situation

Joe: Yes sir Mr President, it is officially time for the President of the greatest country in the world to go out and pig out

Barack: Excellent job Mr Vice President, the American people are truly proud of this moment in our history

And so the two men who have never really grown up gather their team of politico wannabees and head off to the sandwich bar next to the Whitehouse. At the end of the day, they all wander into Sam's Dollar Beer Bar and the conversation actually deteriorates. Then they go home and watch tv.

Happy Birthday Mr Downgrade.

Tell 'em Dave

2011-08-26T19:07:00.003+02:00

Nick Takes the Helm in Fringe Upset

2011-08-25T08:52:00.004+02:00

Top comedian Tim Vine was ousted from number one spot by upcoming rival Nick Helm, 17 (not his real age). Vine is universally admired for his brilliant one liners but his tired old multi-story gag was left sobbing in the loos by the fresh dynamism and popularity of the fresh and dynamic newcomer. Here are the Top 10 quips of 2011 at the Edinburgh fringe this year:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

Comedians love to tell us how they get paid for doing what they love but wasn't it Jerry Seinfeld who said "The fear of public speaking is number 1, death is number 2....". On the surface it seems that most comedians are liars, frankly I find it hard to believe that Matt Kirshen and his friends play chess even though I haven't met any of them and Sarah Millican, how old is this comedian? Six? I sincerely hope not. Sexual innuendo in dingy clubs at night are not what we expect from our British youth future leaders in this age of austerity and family values.

The Soup Waiter vs Olympics

2011-08-22T22:27:00.004+02:00

If you are looking for Olympics in sport, click here.

When I was at school they used to give a certificate to the kid who had the best exam scores at the end of the year and another one to the one who showed the most improvement in the opinion of the teachers. We all knew the second prize was for the king of the dunces and this is what's wrong with the Olympics, there are too many dunce events. The gold me

dal for swimming goes to the one who gets to the end of pool first, that should be end of it. But then you always get the annoying dunce who says "anyone can do that, I got the prize for getting there first with backstroke". Backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, relay all these are dunce events, invented so that the slower kids can have a chance at a prize and stand up in front of the school on the last day. There should be just one event and one winner.

Running? It should be once round the track, the end. One hundred meters, hurdles, relays, steeplechase, all dunce events, especially that little water jump in steeplechase, they don't even try to jump over it they just step in it. Walking is entirely a dunce event, you're not even the fastest if you win because any crap runner would have beaten you. Throwing events are a mess; shot put, hammer, discus, javelin, we don't need all that, they should say throw whatever you want, whatever gets the furthest wins. Pole vault is nonsense, of course you can jump higher with a pole, that doesn't prove anything, you might as well have a track race on bikes. The kid with the best bike wins, which is basically what goes on in the velodrome, that is not sport.

One more thing, if ice skating and synchronised swimming are olympic events why isn't disco dancing? They are all equally duncey but I guess we just haven't sunk low enough yet to give out gold medals to the John Travoltas of this world. One day John, the X-Factor and Pop Idol will be Olympic events, believe the dream.

The real Olympics is just a one day event; run round the track, jump over the bar, swim the length of the pool, throw something, lift something and go home. The champ is the one who wins the most events. Now that I think of it, that's exactly what the original Greek Oympics was in the first place, they did it all naked too and they didn't allow women.

Conclusion: The Olympics, sport in general, is just a way for frustrated naked men to get rid of their frustration.

Three Two Liners

2009-09-18T16:02:00.001+02:00

There’s a first time for everything…

Except déjà vu

-----

I had a job interview as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t even turn up and they gave me the job!

----

My grandpa was in Vietnam, he survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks.

He’s considered a seasoned veteran now

Grace?

2009-09-16T12:10:00.002+02:00

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say" the girl replied. "Just say what you hear mummy say" the wife answered.

The girl bowed here head and said "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Wine Flu

2009-08-20T16:52:00.001+02:00

I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, imbibed significant amounts of Chardonnay, Pino Grigio and Port.I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious- and it appears that mine is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone who starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a ‘cup of tea’ and ‘a bit of a lie down’. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately ‘hire a DVD’ and take some ‘Ibuprofen’ which seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu. Others are reporting a ‘McDonald's Happy Meal’ can also help in some cases and Doctors have been recommending a ‘proper fry-up’ to help with the symptoms.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick!

Lightning Strike

2009-07-23T10:48:00.002+02:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

Oirish

2009-07-23T10:42:00.002+02:00

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour ' s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ' To hell with this! ' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ' What did you do? '

Paddy replies ' Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it! '

---------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ' Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152! '

Paddy says ' Whats his name? '

Mick replies ' Miles from London ! '

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

---------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he ' d like a drink.

He replied in disgust ' I ' d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips! '

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didnt know we had a choice"

Fast Girls

2009-07-23T10:12:00.002+02:00

Unfortunate Angle

2009-07-23T10:11:00.002+02:00

Sex Therapy?

2009-07-23T09:59:00.001+02:00

A Chicago area Guju couple, Jayantibhai and Maniben, both well into their 30's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' Gujubhai says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? Need your feedback!'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is
asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the
doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the Guju couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, and pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

Gujjubhai says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and
we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50,
and ... AND ... I get $43 back from Medicare !!!

Thought of the Day

2009-07-16T19:27:00.000+02:00

A day without sunshine is like night.

British Classified Ads

2009-06-24T15:44:00.004+02:00

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.Mother a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.Looks like a rat. Been out a while.Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything

Old Folks

2009-06-16T11:58:00.001+02:00

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars i s fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Viz Tip - Werewolves

2009-04-28T19:23:00.001+02:00

Werewolf enthusiasts. Get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

Viz Welsh Tip

2009-04-20T17:26:00.002+02:00

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Men Are Just Happier

2009-03-29T21:25:00.001+02:00

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah ..
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need. But it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Redundancy

2009-03-23T06:57:00.000+01:00

Irish Blacksmith

2009-03-03T12:39:00.000+01:00

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he had told a donkey to fuck off once.

Plastic Surgery

2009-02-23T12:08:00.001+01:00

Paddy: what's the matter Mick you're looking awful vexed?
Mick: I lent 3 grand to a friend for plastic surgery, now I can't recognise him

Beat Anorexia

2009-02-11T07:30:00.000+01:00

Wash Instructions

2009-02-09T07:30:00.000+01:00

Fishing With Moses

2009-02-07T07:30:00.000+01:00

Now You Can Get a Paddle

2009-02-03T07:30:00.000+01:00

Doctors Notes

2009-01-30T12:30:00.000+01:00

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally 20, alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

2nd Dumbest Guy on Earth

2009-01-28T08:00:00.000+01:00

Bricklayers Accident Report

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of The Dublin Corporation Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on a roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull; minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold on tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

German Truck Painting

2009-01-26T08:00:00.000+01:00

Owl Cat

2009-01-23T10:48:00.002+01:00

Old Men

2009-01-17T17:38:00.001+01:00

Why do nursing home staff give viagra to Old Men?

To stop them rolling off the bed.

Irishmen

2009-01-09T16:42:00.001+01:00

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ' Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152! '

Paddy says ' Whats his name? '

Mick replies ' Miles from London '

Blonde Teacher

2009-01-08T12:05:00.001+01:00

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.

'It's best I stay here.'he says. '

'Why?' says the blonde teacher.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the flipping goalie'

Escape

2009-01-08T11:59:00.002+01:00

String

2009-01-04T19:22:00.000+01:00

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Madonna

2008-12-11T11:13:00.001+01:00

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.

She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.

Job done

Christmas 1

2008-12-09T13:29:00.001+01:00

Dys T-Shirt

2008-12-02T13:15:00.001+01:00

elderly couple

2008-11-28T08:56:00.002+01:00

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Quick One

2008-11-28T08:48:00.000+01:00

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when
a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Buffalo Theory

2008-11-25T12:30:00.000+01:00

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ..............

And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Check Your Kids Homework

2008-11-23T23:58:00.000+01:00

Quickies

2008-11-21T15:02:00.001+01:00

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower.. ...... The other 15%haven't been to prison yet

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fast!

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 week s, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. "That's amazing the doc said"...Paddy nodded..."I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." "What from hunger said the doc?"..."No from the skipping!"

Questions Questions

2008-11-21T14:52:00.003+01:00

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And FINALLY......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Choosing a Wife

2008-11-21T14:47:00.000+01:00

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Ass Family

2008-11-21T14:40:00.002+01:00